The Original College Football Czar

Week 4

Week three in review: The Ole Miss-LSU blockbuster lived up to its billing, and because Lane Kiffin came out on the losing end, most fans seem to be content with it. Then again, it wasn't as big a game as it might have been, considering the strong possibility that those two teams could meet again in the SEC championship game and/or the playoffs. With the ever-expanding CFP format, we are going to continue to see fewer and fewer make-or-break games during the regular season. In decades past, a big game like that, with a dose of bitterness added, would have had the atmosphere and the impact of a world championship heavyweight boxing match. Oh, wait a minute, those don't really exist anymore, either. Bad example.

The College Football Czar's home team continues to dominate the nominations for the Lardhead of the Year Award. Former Pitt transfer portal bust Phil Jurkovec, who had previously played QB at Notre Dame and Boston College, stole a truck from a garage at a hospital, while the person who rented it was loading it with tables and chairs. No, really. The guy was carrying items to load into the truck, when all of a sudden a stranger hopped into the cab and drove away. If it didn't happen in real life, you'd think it was a scene from some goofball 70s action movie like Freebie and the Bean. As of this writing, there is no known motive for Jurkovec's actions, other than living up to his name, perhaps.

Also nominated is Nc State head coach Dave Doeren, for very stupidly losing a game at Vanderbilt while trying to appear clever, and afterward passing the buck to his quarterback. The Wolfpack had appeared to put the game away with an interception at the one-yard line while leading 31-28. They gained a total of eight yards on their next three plays, but then, apparently just to drain every second from the clock that he possibly could, Doeren took a delay of game penalty. Having little room to punt on a fourth down from the four-yard line, Doeren kept his offense on the field, for the purpose of running the last six seconds of the clock before taking an intentional safety to preserve a one-point victory. Before the time could expire, quarterback C.J. Bailey was hit from behind and he fumbled. The Commodores recovered and stole the game from Doeren's team, 35-31.

As if that colossal cluster hadn't been bad enough, in Doeren's postgame press conference he faulted Bailey for not protecting the ball, which in all fairness, he didn't. But the real culprit on that play was the play call. A smart coach is not going to leave it up to his QB to exhaust six seconds while scrambling under duress in his own end zone. It would have made a lot more sense to send in the punter and have him take the intentional safety, and then free kick with two or three seconds remaining.

The Czar did not have one of his better weeks, finishing with a record of 12-8. However, he did correctly pick the final score of Missouri's 27-17 win over Troy. For the season, he is 48-22, for a .686 winning percentage.

Sept. 25

Army at Temple

In an early start, this game kicks off a rare Friday night tripleheader on ESPN, beginning at 4PM.

It looked like it was owl over in Toledo last week, when the hooters held a 42-28 lead late in the fourth quarter. Then, they gave up a score with just over a minute to play. The Rockets recovered the ensuing onside kick, and tossed a second TD pass within eleven seconds of game time to force OT. Toledo led off the extra frame with its third touchdown in rapid succession. Finally, the Owls responded with a score of their own, but missed a two-point conversion attempt and lost, 49-48.

But why go for two? Had they kicked the extra point and moved on to a second overtime, they would have stood about a 50-50 chance of winning what was obviously an evenly matched contest. The success rate of two-point conversions in college football, on the other hand, is only about 42 percent. A coach shouldn't need an analytics geek to tell him that, barring an unforeseen variable like an injury to a quarterback or kicker, the two-pointer is a statistically unsound decision compared to another OT.

The Black Knights have had an idle week since taking a tough loss in their American Conference opener against South Florida, 28-24. They scored on a 90-yard drive to lead by ten with six minutes left, but like the Owls last week, they gave up two very late TDs.

This is a sort of homecoming for the Cadets, who often play against Navy in Philadelphia, and who last visited there when they trounced Temple 42-14 two years ago. So now, they've come back for a little home cooking. Nothing like creamed chipped beef with Cheez Whiz.

Seriously. Nothing.

Army 30, Temple 23

Navy at UAB

The Birmingham ground game became a drag-on its effort in a 21-14 loss at Louisiana-Lafayette, in which it flamed out for a total of 74 yards on 31 carries. Most importantly, its unreliability in short-yardage situations translated into 2-for-16 on third and fourth-down conversions, with four turnovers on downs.

The Midshipmen came into the season as conference favorites, but then lost their league opener at Florida Atlantic 38-30. They did end the game on a 23-point rally, though, and that momentum could carry over, especially against a Blazer team that will almost certainly cede to them control of the clock.

In a series that began just three years ago when the Blazers joined the American Conference, the Naval Academy holds a 3-0 lead. The only one of those that was competitive was the most recent contest, which ended 38-24 after being tied 24-24 at halftime.

It's a little-known fact that white-bearded Naval Academy coach Brian Newberry plays a dual role, also being the team mascot. Everybody wants to be the goat.

Navy 24, UAB 16

Northwestern at Indiana

The College Football Czar had no intention of including this game among his picks, but the way the Wildcats played last week while clobbering Colorado 41-7, they just might give the defending national champions a game. On consecutive first-half possessions, the NU defense forced two fumbles and an interception, and then stuffed the Buffs on a fourth-and-short.

Hoosier head coach Curt Cignetti advertises the fact that he refuses to play quality nonconference opponents, but then he chastises the fans for leaving the games early. Perhaps realizing how that sounded, he decided to blame the early departures on the heat, but not on mismatches against North Texas, Western Kentucky and Division I-AA Howard, with IU winning by a combined score of 145-16.

Unsurprisingly, former TCU quarterback Josh Hoover has made a clean sweep of it for the Hoosiers, tossing ten TD passes in those three games, with no interceptions, and a completion percentage of 75.0. Hoover had been publicly criticized before the season by his former coach, Sonny Dykes, for turning the ball over too often. Talk about sour grapes. Surely, Dykes would have kept his QB for another season if he could.

No, on second thought, don't talk about sour grapes. That would be boring.

Indiana 31, Northwestern 17

Clemson at California

One thing last week's big ACC game had was suspense. That's because the Tigers' second-half comeback against North Carolina was put on hold for a two and a half hour lightning delay, with them still trailing 17-15, after spotting UNC a 17-3 lead. When the game was stopped, the Tar Heels had the ball at the Son of Clem 7-yard line, but when the teams returned, Dabo Swinney's defense forced them to kick a field goal, and then stopped them on downs on the following possession.

The resulting 28-20 comeback victory was an im-paw-tent first step toward a return to ACC title contention. The Tigers will get an idea how realistic their chances are when they host Miami next weekend, but until then they embark on a treacherous road trip to battle the Golden Bears.

Last week's easy win against Division I-AA Wagner improves the season stats for Cal sophomore QB Jaron-Keawe Sagapolutele, but that doesn't mean he has returned to the form of his freshman year. The College Football Czar does not believe in the sophomore jinx, but he does believe in very good defensive coaches who now have a year's worth of video to study the player's tendencies.

Sometimes, the Bears wear helmets with a claw on them, just like the Tigers do. In their case, however, it has got nothing to do with their team being named after a big, ferocious animal. It's just that the people out there in "free love" territory have got a weird thing about feet.

Clemson 37, California 27

Sept. 26

Wisconsin at Penn State

Badger wide receiver Tyrell Henry set a school record with 14 receptions in a 54-10 flogging of Eastern Michigan, in which QB Colton Joseph passed for 362 yards. Could it be that CheddAir is finally taking off, or is this just a passing fancy that will fade away as their competition improves?

Like a lot of 3-0 teams, PSU is kind of tough to read at this point, simply because of the lack of quality nonconference opponents. At running back, where the Lions looked thin coming into the season, they are averaging an impressive 5.6 yards per carry, but against Marshall, Temple and Buffalo, what does that really mean?

Leading Nittany Lion receiver Koby Howard will be out for several weeks with an undisclosed injury. Coach Matt Campbell had said that Howard got "dinged up" on a 70-yard touchdown catch and run against UB last Saturday, but go back and look at the video. He evidently felt well enough after finishing the play to run to a corner of the end zone and start dancing. Was that when the injury occurred? No wonder they won't tell us.

This game will not be televised, but will only be shown on the Peacock streaming service. That's because the entirety of Penn State University has got to hide out until the coast is clear.

Penn State 21, Wisconsin 13

Oklahoma State at West Virginia

The Cowboys hold a 10-6 advantage in the all-time series, the most memorable matchup being at the snowy 1987 Sun Bowl, where the Pokes pulled out a 35-33 victory. That was so long ago that their quarterback was Mike Gundy, who, being 20 years old at the time, was only half a man.

The portal payoff for WVU was evident in last week's 38-27 neutral-site win over Virginia in Charlotte, where former Oklahoma QB Michale Hawkinsjr and RB Cam Cook, who was last year's NCAA-leading rusher at Jacksonville State, each ran for 123 yards.

Even though OSU shocked Oregon 39-31 in Week 2, former North Texas QB Drew Mestemaker is making more mest-akes than usual, with two INTs each against UO and Tulsa. A feelgood five-TD, no-INT performance against Division I-AA Murray (The Cop) State probably won't have a lasting effect once he is throwing into Division I-A coverage again.

Former Mountaineer head coach Dana Holgorsen was once the Cowboy offensive coordinator. For that reason, one might think that these teams would play for the Dana Holgorsen Trophy, but they can't, because anybody who looked at it would turn to stone.

West Virginia 45, Oklahoma State 33

Ole Miss at Florida

This has all the markings of a tailor-made trap game, with the Rebels having held off LSU 32-24 in the return of Lane Kiffin, and trying to keep their intensity up for this untimely visit to The Swamp. Against the Tigers, Ole Miss led 24-7 at halftime, but then allowed 17 consecutive (not "unanswered") points before finally mounting a drive for the winning score with five minutes remaining.

Rebel running back Kewan Lacy left last week's game after only nine carries with a shoulder injury. If he is unable to carry the load, it will fall to either freshman J.T. Lindsay or Michigan State transfer Makhi Frazier. Most likely, this would mean more designed running plays for QB Trinidad Chambliss, which ought to cause Mississippians to avert all four of their eyes.

Upon observing that his team was favored in this game, first-year Gator coach Jon Sumrall downplayed these expectations by saying, "There's a lot of good drugs out there." At least that's the most generous spin that can possibly be put on that quote. If he were coaching at Penn State, it might have been understood differently.

Florida 26, Ole Miss 23

Iowa at Michigan

The Wolverines came out tepid against UTEP, trailing until the last two minutes of the first half, before rolling the rest of the way to a deceptive 52-17 final. Sophomore wide receiver Andrew Marsh made a big splash with an acrobatic catch, tapping his toe near the sideline as a Miner defender tried to force him out of bounds. It was just one of his ten catches on the day, for a total of 105 yards, with a touchdown.

The Hawkeyes' top three rushers are each averaging about ten yards a carry, but in their only competitive game, a 16-13 win over rival Iowa State, they were held to 93 yards on 29 carries as a team. The College Football Czar expects their season stats to start taking a beating, against a maize and blue run defense that is the one facet of that team that has performed consistently well.

Iowa has lost the last four games in this series, but at least the two that were played in the regular season were competitive. In the 2021 and 2023 Big Ten championship games, they got slammed by scores of 42-3 and 26-0. Even in their most recent victory over the U of M, back in 2016, they only managed to scrape up 14 points.

Legendary Hawkeye head coach Kirk Ferentz is 71 years old. Longtime Utah coach Kyle Whittingham, now a Wolverine, is 66. The two of them combined are almost old enough to go into politics.

Michigan 19, Iowa 7

Oklahoma at Georgia

One might have expected these traditional powerhouse programs to have collided on occasion over the years, but their only previous meeting was in the 2018 CFP semifinals at the Phony Rose Bowl, where UGA outgunned the Sooners 54-48 in double-overtime. This will be the first time they've faced off as conference foes since Oklahoma joined the SEC two years ago.

The Sooner Schooner just hasn't had its tuna with a heart in it lately, as its offense remained languid for a second game in a row. Following a frustrating 17-10 loss at Michigan, OU was unable to take it out on New Mexico, winning only by a final of 14-6.

In a brilliant bit of gamesmanship, Bulldog coach Kirby Smart said of his team's conference-opening 45-17 victory at Arkansas, "I don't know that I would call it a blowout." That collective gulp you just heard was from the rest of the SEC.

If Coach Smart is going for an intimidation factor, though, he really needs to get rid of the visor. Actually, that wouldn't help much. It's just that the College Football Czar really hates visors.

Georgia 31, Oklahoma 12

Texas at Tennessee

The Longhorns hit the trail for a change, leaving the Lone Star State for the only time before November. Having won their first three games on their home field, they go from here to the Red River Rivalry against OU in Dallas, and then back to Austin for three more games before traveling to Missouri.

So far, the Volunteers' only serious game has been against a very disappointing Georgia Tech team. Their other two opponents have been Kennesaw State and the mighty Man of Fur. That makes this the first real test for freshman QB Faizon Brandon, who has had things a little too easy to this point.

In their third season in the SEC, the Horns meet the Vols for the first time as conference opponents. Overall, they hold a 2-1 lead in the head-to-head series, all three of those having been played in the Cotton Bowl, to end the 1951, 1953 and 1968 seasons.

All college football fans know that the orange color that is worn by Texas is burnt orange, but did you know that the official color of the Tennessee jersey is "Tennessee orange?" That's too remarkable a coincidence for the College Football Czar to believe, so he figures their games must all be fixed.

Texas 41, Tennessee 24

Boise State at Western Michigan

BSU needed a late, 83-yard touchdown run by Dylan Riley to put away the Division I-AA South Dakota Coyotes, 38-24. At 2-1, with a seven-point loss at Oregon that is no longer as encouraging as it seemed at the time, the Tater Staters need to win this battle of the Broncoses to get back into contention for the group-of-six CFP bid.

For as much offensive talent as WMU had returning this year, they haven't been all that productive. Last week, they barely beat Rice 28-21, in a game that was statistically dead even. They only managed to lead most of their opening game at Michigan by going plus-3 in turnovers. They gained just 89 passing yards in that game, and averaged 2.9 yards per tote on the ground.

Is there a football team named the Broncos in the entire universe that has some helmet logo other than a badly drawn profile of a horsehead that looks like it's got a chaw of tobacco? You might think one of them would sue, but then who would want to claim responsibility?

Boise State 25, Western Michigan 22

Missouri at Mississippi State

It's no wonder the Kamario Taylor for Heisman campaign is already in full swing, because two things that could help win that award are a catchy handle and an 11-to-1 touchdown-to-interception ratio. Nevertheless, the College Football Czar thinks the pundits are getting a little carried away. Let's wait until he and his mud puppies get off the porch and run with the big dogs, in consecutive games against Mizzou, Bama, LSU, Oklahoma and Texas.

The Tigers tallied only 230 total yards against Troy last week, but still won 27-17, thanks in part to a 68-yard punt return for a touchdown by WR DeMarion Fowlkes. Ex-Ole Miss quarterback Austin Simmons was shut down for only 91 passing yards. He did continue to take care of the ball, however, with no interceptions or fumbles through three games.

In another example of stadium-naming weirdness, MSU's Scott Stadium was named after Olympic pentathlete Donald Scott, but in 2001 the university received a large donation to renovate the building from Aflac founder Floyd Davis Wade, and renamed it Davis Wade Stadium. Then, the school availed itself of the usual copout by naming the playing surface Scott Field. (What, they named the dirt after him?) The official title is now Davis Wade Stadium at Scott Field, but how can the stadium be at the field, instead of the other way around? That's kind of like saying, "The College Football Czar's house, at his refrigerator."

Hey, wait a minute. That's actually sort of accurate.

Mississippi State 42, Missouri 32

Oregon at USC

Following a humbling loss to Oklahoma State, the Fighting Ducks set a team record in scoring in an 84-0 romp over Division I-AA Portland State. This is not an encouraging result. First of all, the fact that they had to approach the game with such intensity illustrated how far they had fallen. Second, the reason the score got so out of hand was because they had to let backup QB Dylan Raiola run the offense instead of just grinding the clock, because they might need him if Dante Moore plays another game like he did against the Pokes.

The Trojans, who led the Big Ten in offense last year, are averaging 43 points per game, without having played a lower-division opponent. However, they only won their last game at Rutgers 42-35, a week after allowing 30 points to Louisiana-Lafayette.

In last year's 42-27 UO victory in Eugene, the only thing that kept the offenses in check was the penalty yardage. The Ducks drew eleven flags for 130 yards, and Southern Cal eight for 103. Trojan QB Jayden Maiava threw for 306 yards, but also tossed two costly picks, one being converted into an Oregon score, and the other squandering starting field position in plus-territory.

There is a formerly obscure rule that says if both head coaches agree to it, the third and fourth quarters may be shortened to ten minutes each. Fans have unfortunately become familiar with this rule, because it has been employed several times a year recently, because of all of the horrendous mismatches. Last Friday night, Duck coach Dan Lanning offered to shorten the game, but Portland State coach Chris Fisk said no. "Teaching the kids that we don't get to run away from hard things was our intent," he explained.

What a refreshing concept, especially in this era, when some of the players are earning their degrees in running away from hard things. The only way they can fail is by showing up and taking the final exam.

Oregon 51, USC 44

Texas A&M at LSU

Tiger tosser Sam Leavitt was listed as doubtful last Wednesday, but by Saturday he played the entire game without showing any signs of being injured, and now there's no question about his availability to take on the ampersanders. With such a miraculous recuperative ability, perhaps he should try out for the soccer team.

In 2018, this matchup produced a seven-overtime game, won by A&M 74-72, that was so much fun to watch that The Powers That Be Stupid decided it must never happen again. That's why teams must now start alternating two-point attempts in the third OT period. So they score conversions without any touchdowns. That's kind of like having your pudding without eating your meat, which, if you've ever seen English pudding, is no treat.

As disappointing a loss as it was for Louisiana State against Ole Miss, the quality of play was still there. The same cannot be said of the way the Conjunction Boys malfunctioned at home against Kentucky. The rithmetic didn't add up for Aggie QB Marcel Reed, who completed just 26 of 49 for 236 yards, with one touchdown and two picks.

Conjunctions are small words that join separate clauses together into a sentence. There used to be a Schoolhouse Rock cartoon on Saturday mornings to teach small children and Tim Brando all about them.

LSU 34, Texas A&M 20

Virginia Tech at Boston College

Gobbler coach James Franklin's noggin is evidently equally barren on the inside and out. At last week's press conference, a reporter named Michael Howes prefaced his question with the words, "Hey, coach." Franklin strangely responded, "Hey, Michael" five times in rapid succession, with a blank facial expression.

The official story is that Franklin was just engaging in small talk, and wanted to know how Howes was doing. This was clearly not the case, as can be seen from the fact that the coach would not wait for a response before his next "Hey, Michael," as well as the apparently offended look on his face. The best guess the College Football Czar can offer is that Franklin had never spoken to this reporter before, and for that reason found the familiar "hey" to be disrespectful. At least that explanation will do until a more plausible one comes along.

In Week 2, the Eagles beat Rutgers by a touchdown, and if you think that makes them as good as USC, then congratulations, you are a lardhead. A week ago, BC only beat the Division I-AA Maine Black Bears 22-16. Those two schools have a great rivalry in hockey, but in football they should not.

The College Football Czar doesn't really think this is a very interesting game. He just wants everyone to realize that there are reasons why James Franklin is about as widely disliked as that awful woman from those Lume commercials.

Another thing the Czar would like to state for the record is that nobody really needs Lume. If the inside of that woman's elbow stinks, that just means she is not washing nearly often enough. Here endeth the lesson.

Virginia Tech 29, Boston College 10

Vanderbilt at Auburn

Vandy is very good academically, a fact that was reflected in last week's winning strategy, which amounted to "don't be the stupid ones." There's nothing stupider than somebody who thinks he's being brilliant, and when Nc State tried to end the game in a manner its coaches thought was brilliant, all the Commodores had to do was be there to pick up the pieces when it blew up.

The College Football Czar doesn't know how statistically unlikely it is to lose to a team that commits 16 penalties for 138 yards, but the Tigers did just that in a 44-39 defeat against Florida last Saturday. Certainly, in a game like that, it shouldn't be possible to pick up fewer first downs than your opponents, but they did, by a count of 24-22.

Believe it or not, VU is looking to tie up this head-to-head series, which they only trail 21-20-1. Those might not seem like big enough numbers, considering that both schools were charter members of the SEC, but for many years that conference did not really have a schedule. It only required each team to play so many games against other SEC teams every year, and AU and Vandy chose not to schedule each other from 1956 through 1977. The only reason they met in 1955 was because they had both been invited to the Gator Bowl, which the Commodores won, 25-13.

No wonder they didn't play for so long after that. Auburn was ascared.

Auburn 23, Vanderbilt 14

New Mexico at New Mexico State

The Lobos are in the middle of transitioning from being expected to lose every week to being expected to win every week, kind of like their namesake, played by Claude Aikins, when B.J. and the Bear ended and he became the good guy in the spinoff, The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo. Laugh at him for that if you must, but it was a sound career move, considering he spent most of his greatest movie role, in the classic Rio Bravo, in jail. (The College Football Czar is already halfway toward fulfilling his annual quota for referencing old TV shows and movies.)

NMSU needed an idle week to rest up after a tired performance on a long road trip to Hawaii in Week 3. Their only second-half score in the 29-19 setback was on a fumble return, after which the extra point was blocked. The loss drops the Aggies to 1-2, with their only win against Division I-AA Mercyhurst.

Just as their rivals in Las Cruces have struggled since an amazing 10-win season in 2023, UNM has turned its fortunes around in the other direction. After a tough 14-6 loss at Oklahoma last week, the Lobos appear poised to match or exceed the 9-4 record they posted in 2025.

For several years now, the College Football Czar has nicknamed our 47th state New and Improved Mexico, because if it's not an improvement, then why do people flee the old Mexico to get there? Granted, it's not as witty as New America, but we can't all be the IQ-iest president in history.

New Mexico 27, New Mexico State 13

Colorado at Baylor

When these teams last met in 2024, it was the highlight of the Sanders era in Boulder, as the Buffaloes tied the game on a long bomb from Shedeur Sanders on the last play of regulation time, and finally won the game in another dramatic moment, when they forced a BU fumble at the goal line in overtime. The College Football Czar maintains that LaJohntay Wester's last second reception was trapped against the turf, but the Bears earned their L all the same.

Nate Bennett was firing with all the accuracy of the Waco Kid last week, when he completed 21 of 24 for 253 yards with three TDs and no interceptions, leaving Louisiana Tech defenders sitting there looking stupid, grasping their hands in pain. That 36-19 victory was pretty impressive considering that it was basically Bennett's debut as a starter, since the third-year BU quarterback had played so sparingly until this season, and an opener against Division I-AA Prairie View A&M shouldn't even count.

CU coach Deion Sanders says he is dismissing several players for conduct detrimental to the team. The decision was partially driven by watching some of his Buffaloes laughing after a dismal 31-7 loss at Northwestern last Friday night, although that is reportedly not the entire reason. Channeling his inner Dean Wormer, Coach Prime said, "I am going to put my foot in it, not on it." And that foot is he.

Baylor 35, Colorado 26

Uconn at Miami OH

The Conn Men found a pigeon in the Southern Miss Golden Eagles, whom they plucked 48-20 to improve to 2-1. Their previous lopsided loss to Maryland must have just been part of the hustle, or at least the gambling app lardheads probably think so.

The RedHawks ran out to a 28-7 lead over neighboring rival Cincinnati, but got stomped in the second half of a 35-31 defeat. The game was played at a soccer stadium that is home to a team called FC Cincinnati, which makes New America sound clever by comparison.

It's a little-known fact that the reason so many professional soccer team names either begin or end with FC is so that they can trick people into actually showing up, by making them think there will be fried chicken.

Uconn 40, Miami OH 34

Minnesota at Washington

So far this season, the 3-0 Huskies have just been along for the ride, but it's about time they got off the sled and started pulling. Prior to last week's win against Division I-AA Eastern Washington, their offense went to mush in languid performances against Washington State (24-10) and Utah State (16-14).

As hard as it has been for this Husky team to gain ground, it has got to be easier than a bunch of subterranean rodents rowing a boat. Okay, the Golden Gophers easily brushed aside Akron 41-7, but gaining fewer than 400 yards against the Zips presents a bit of a problem.

Husky quarterback Demond Williamsjr did not play Lamont on Sanford and Son, and consequently is no big dummy. In fact, he's not even big. But the 5-11, 190-lb junior decided to stay at UW for a third season rather than take more money to play elsewhere, and that could prove to be a smart decision in the long run. There's something to be said for continuity.

"Quit suckin' your teeth, Grady!"

The College Football Czar just always wanted to say that.

Washington 17, Minnesota 10

The College Football Czar

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